On "pain points" and the clarity we gain when we find the right release
when the points dissolve and we find all that we're looking for and more
Pushing past the pain doesn’t work. Ignoring it doesn’t work. Dwelling in it is getting caught in an endless loop.
So what do we do, when we’re in considerable pain? Blinding pain? Pain that distracts us from living our lives? How do we balance the healing journey with equal parts strength and grace?
I gag a little when I hear business and marketing jargon because it’s lazy and destroys otherwise good metaphors. And sometimes, the metaphors are just horrible. “Rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic” is one I used to hear in consulting. “Let’s circle back to that, Bob,” or “We have the most cutting-edge, next-generation, bespoke services … “ Worse, in marketing, “Get a dewy complexion to turn back the hands of time.”
Make it stop!
But the whole idea here is to create an image, attach it to a “pain point” (yes, more marketing jargon), and promise to make things a little better, fresher, newer. To make the pain ease. The pain of aging, of feeling like a failure, or of simply being a human in the world.
As someone who was in pain for over two weeks straight (think: migraine that radiates down the jaw and tenses the neck and shoulders to the point of rigidity), and who made her creative brain crazy thinking of possibilities as the most obvious ones were ruled out (no, turns out it’s not TMD or TMJ or neurological or an infection or anxiety alone - it’s neuromuscular pain because of strained muscles in my neck).
So many of us are in pain. It’s tempting to numb out, get a pill, make it stop. But can I just offer a few words of perspective as someone recently trying to crawl out of her skin?
Pain can be all consuming. The idea that there is a single point is silly. Pain transcends and colors the ordinary things. When there is a numbing or absence of pain, we get comfortable. Everyone wants to my cozy, but it’s not possible. There is no lasting salve that will remove all pain.
Worse, when we are too comfortable, we stop remembering. When we deny our own pain (we all face it—even the most evil of evil feel pain), we stop empathizing. We lose compassion for ourselves and others. We forget how awe-inspiring the small parts of our lives are and how beautiful it is to find the energy to enjoy what is offered us every day.
When we are too comfortable and set on positive thinking as a modality to ascend, we forget others’ pain or abstract it to the point of mere annoyance, something to wave our hands about as we voice concern or, in some cases, disdain for those who are less comfortable. This is proven by myriad studies on wealth and empathy. Here’s one, and another.
But what I want to share with you today is that after we emerge from a bout of pain, and even in the moments of lucidity it causes, we find our humanity. We find it by unearthing uncomfortable truths, by recognizing the contrast and asymmetry of experience. We find that humanity by remembering we are fallible beings doing our best, fucking up at every turn and enduring anyway. Because our true perfection comes from the things we are told to deny: aging, quirks, oddities and, yes, pain. Our true perfection is nothing we can buy.
Pain offers incredible clarity and appreciation, even in its absence. It is important to remember we’re not immune. Not as artists, not as people. We all feel pain. To look at it squarely is to live fully.
And to remember pain in its absence, I truly believe, makes us better at (as the marketing folks would say) this “game.” Or, perhaps a better analogy, this “school” that is life.
Being willing to feel some level of pain is not only brave ... it makes us more aware of the pain of others, I think, and more empathetic. Conversely, the ability to numb our own pain--whether with a drug or another type of avoidance--indicates a certain level of privilege. Thanks for this post, Jen. I'm glad you're feeling better.